Problem is when most of us made a choice or perceive something as our informed choice, we are clueless how much our choice rooted from patriarch, how much it is influenced by social culture norms. I cried buckets when my doctor informed me almost 17years back that they have to remove my right ovary & due to PCOS, probability of me becoming a mother is almost negligible. I did everything said by my hindu parents, hopping from temple to temple to feed poor people, just to improve that chance. We had no courage to communicate the news to my Muslim in-law who were just getting comfortable with our interfaith marriage. Today, when I look back I realise my cry for “I want to be a mother” was not my informed wish, it was colluded with fear of being socially outcast (after interfaith marriage, I had almost zero strength to fight social norms), not getting an opportunity to get motherhood that is overly glorified by society. Not having a second child - despite of everybody including my doctor pushing for it after my baby girl- was an informed choice I made.
Thanks for this beautiful, thought-provoking piece - it stirred innumerable emotions, raised several questions for each of us to ponder
Funnily enough by the time a lot of us realise that "it doesn't fucking matter what the society thinks, it is too late" and everyone has done exactly what the society wanted us to do. but what is worse, when parents realise this and yet fail to pass on this little nugget of info to their children early on in their lives. And "log kya kahenge" is never ending— they will not stop at anything... one. child, two children, girl-boy, school, rank, college, job, their marriage, their relationship with you... everything.
Because parents also realised by then it takes tonnes of courage to break those barriers, to make that small change. Being a mother I know I am strong as hell when it comes to make my choices but as a mother, I m often a coward. I wouldn’t like my daughter to face what I did. But as a mother, as a woman what I could do & what I should do is what people like you are doing- asking difficult questions to force society to think beyond the set narrative. I presented a paper in Massachusetts and it was to a complete feminist audience - motherhood is present day slavery. I know it was little extreme but I could never forgot those piercing eyes asking me “how could you question motherhood? How could you equate with slavery? …
Hard relate to everything in this essay! I adore my friends' kids but that's as far as my parenting instinct goes.
I wonder if the increasing number of people choosing to be child-free has to do with people waking up to the fact that child-bearing is, in fact, a choice.
Love the clarity in this piece and in your thinking, Savvy. Such an important read for so many of us who probably need a rmeinder that this is a choice. Love Udit's eye mask!
What a cracker of an essay Savvy! If only more people thought (a little bit) before having children - they would perhaps not choose the Alto just because the neighbours had one.
Thank you for writing this beautiful essay, Savvy! <3 Your clarity is striking. "Choice" is etched in my mind forever after this. I wish more young women like me read your perspective before considering this "choice" or not as a natural progression of life.
Childfree myself. I can relate. Just never had the strong calling to be a parent? Somehow never romanticized parenthood, it always seemed like very very hard work, and I knew that being the woman, the expectation would be that I would do most of it.
One thing I've noticed: people who are actually good parents are very accepting of this choice. It's those who aren't that great at parenting and perhaps never realised this was a choice who react angrily and defensively.
Choice 🙌🙌
Problem is when most of us made a choice or perceive something as our informed choice, we are clueless how much our choice rooted from patriarch, how much it is influenced by social culture norms. I cried buckets when my doctor informed me almost 17years back that they have to remove my right ovary & due to PCOS, probability of me becoming a mother is almost negligible. I did everything said by my hindu parents, hopping from temple to temple to feed poor people, just to improve that chance. We had no courage to communicate the news to my Muslim in-law who were just getting comfortable with our interfaith marriage. Today, when I look back I realise my cry for “I want to be a mother” was not my informed wish, it was colluded with fear of being socially outcast (after interfaith marriage, I had almost zero strength to fight social norms), not getting an opportunity to get motherhood that is overly glorified by society. Not having a second child - despite of everybody including my doctor pushing for it after my baby girl- was an informed choice I made.
Thanks for this beautiful, thought-provoking piece - it stirred innumerable emotions, raised several questions for each of us to ponder
Funnily enough by the time a lot of us realise that "it doesn't fucking matter what the society thinks, it is too late" and everyone has done exactly what the society wanted us to do. but what is worse, when parents realise this and yet fail to pass on this little nugget of info to their children early on in their lives. And "log kya kahenge" is never ending— they will not stop at anything... one. child, two children, girl-boy, school, rank, college, job, their marriage, their relationship with you... everything.
Because parents also realised by then it takes tonnes of courage to break those barriers, to make that small change. Being a mother I know I am strong as hell when it comes to make my choices but as a mother, I m often a coward. I wouldn’t like my daughter to face what I did. But as a mother, as a woman what I could do & what I should do is what people like you are doing- asking difficult questions to force society to think beyond the set narrative. I presented a paper in Massachusetts and it was to a complete feminist audience - motherhood is present day slavery. I know it was little extreme but I could never forgot those piercing eyes asking me “how could you question motherhood? How could you equate with slavery? …
Hard relate to everything in this essay! I adore my friends' kids but that's as far as my parenting instinct goes.
I wonder if the increasing number of people choosing to be child-free has to do with people waking up to the fact that child-bearing is, in fact, a choice.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Shandaar, @Savvy!
Savvy! You're the best! This made me tear up :')
oh ho... you are too kind!
Love the clarity in this piece and in your thinking, Savvy. Such an important read for so many of us who probably need a rmeinder that this is a choice. Love Udit's eye mask!
Loved reading and Udit's pics alike!
Children are often presented as the missing piece in life. With Mesho however , your picture has always seemed complete.
Thank you for the comfort and reassurance that you offer through this piece, to every person who has chosen to be child-free. ❤️
Thank you for reading Richa.
Take a bow. What clarity ,choice. That word should be inscribed everywhere.
Love! Choice❤️
What a cracker of an essay Savvy! If only more people thought (a little bit) before having children - they would perhaps not choose the Alto just because the neighbours had one.
Thank you for writing this beautiful essay, Savvy! <3 Your clarity is striking. "Choice" is etched in my mind forever after this. I wish more young women like me read your perspective before considering this "choice" or not as a natural progression of life.
Childfree myself. I can relate. Just never had the strong calling to be a parent? Somehow never romanticized parenthood, it always seemed like very very hard work, and I knew that being the woman, the expectation would be that I would do most of it.
One thing I've noticed: people who are actually good parents are very accepting of this choice. It's those who aren't that great at parenting and perhaps never realised this was a choice who react angrily and defensively.
This is a brave piece of writing - extremely moved by it. Thank you.
Honest! If only, everybody is allowed and are able to exercise that magic word - choice!
Thank you.
You said it, CHOICE! 💜