The Ramblings of a Restless Mind
Actually, the batshit crazy mind of a person left behind.
Udit is traveling. For a couple of days. For four days actually. And I have gone raging mad.
On day one, I cued up all Madhuri Dixit songs, synced the phone to the speaker, turned up the volume to FULL BLAST and danced the shit out of me.
In my head, I was Madhuri but in reality, I was Manjulika!
In between all the crazy dance moves, chest heaving, hip shaking, foot tapping, I started sending random audio clips of these songs to classmates in different WhatsApp groups, in different parts of the world.
In fact, I sent a voice clip of “Choli ke peeche” to Boseman who is trying to save the planet in Baku.
Since Tuesday I have been calling up friends, my boss and my ex colleagues at odd hours, making them painfully aware of the fact that Udit is travelling. They know. Now, they want to know “when is Udit coming back?”
A friend suggested, I should have travelled with him. “No, I don’t want to travel with him either”—I typed furiously.
I am not being unreasonable here — a fortnight ago I was planning a trip to Thiruvananthapuram with Piku. I wanted Udit to come with us but the moment he asked “How will the weather be?” I knew we were saving on one person’s ticket at least.
I am the traveller in this relationship. He is the homebody. He is someone who wants to return home the moment he books his tickets. I am the one who packs, travels, flies, taxis to different places. And if you are thinking I am a lone traveller or avid wanderer or romantic backpacker, let me stop you — I just like to travel for work. Not for pleasure — that is too much work.
I am excited about meeting people, visiting far off places, eating local cuisine, soaking in the green-ness of the beautiful countryside, and not really letting the weather beat me down.
Udit on the other hand has problems the moment he steps out — too humid, too hot, too cold, too dirty, too many people, so much noise, so much stupidity, bad food, bad bed, too many people, bad roads and so on and so forth…you get the hang of it.
He will avoid stepping out of the house if he thinks there is a neighbour waiting for the lift in the lobby. He avoids them like the plague—God forbid if he has to say hi, he might self destruct in five seconds.
So this week for a couple of days Udit was in Ahmedabad, and another two days in Lucknow. This is a situation which works for neither of us. He is at sea there. I am lost at home here.
In the beginning, the one left behind couldn’t get sleep. While the one traveling was so tired with the day’s work that they would just crash at night, the one at home could only get any sleep after sunrise.
I travelled so much that now Udit normally sleeps after sunrise. And I have been out so often, that I am not quite sure what am I supposed to do if left behind.
On Wednesday I decided that I should have an affair — hot, sexy, raunchy extra marital affair.
HOT, SEXY, RAUNCY.
I lived with this fantasy for a full 24 hours. And I realised that the above said “fantasy person” kept changing every hour. And while Hugh Grant was the main guy every few hours, I mostly circled back to boys (now men) of my class from school. I went through a list in my head.
I shared this idea with another friend. And then I shared it with Udit. He smiled.
“Raunchy. You have said it so many times, it is as if you have discovered the word and like it a lot.”
“Whatever. What do you think of the affair?”
“I think your raunchy is on the opposite end of the spectrum of what men think raunchy is. But give it a shot.”
His confidence comes from the fact that he is married to this ‘sleeping-lazy-peeing- pooping-farting-laughing hysterically at the idea of sex’ person.
“Also if you want to fall in love, let me know…”
“Where did love come in all this. I love you. I just want RAUNCHY…”
“Got it.”
“But the problem is I can only think of guys from my class in school and that too my section.”
“This has always been your problem.”
He is right. I think even at 80 if I wanted to have an affair it will have to be from the same pool of boys (dead or alive). Either they are too good or I am plain outright lazy or I am spending way too much time planning the class reunion.
By next morning I lost interest. “I think it is too much hard work. Fuck it.” I declared.
Although I must admit that I nurtured the thought of an extra marital affair way longer than the cumulative time I have spent on contemplating having a baby.
I think the idea of hot, sexy, raunchy affair was triggered by a visit over the weekend.
and myself went to meet . While they bonded over cats, I spent most of the time avoiding them.I am unable to appreciate cats. But I was intrigued at how cats in heat are calmed down; they are given mini orgasms by pressing at a point near the tail by the cat owner. The orgasm sounded more like a burp or a fart to me but Roshni and Reema were convinced that the cat… had come.
The conversation somehow veered towards sex toys. And once again while I was thinking “too much work”, my face probably relayed “what are you guys talking about”. So they went, “You have a husband”. Oh, the misconceptions of marriage!
“I do. But with 18 years of marriage, I am practically Virgin Mary now.”
I had to say something. Best to stick to facts, alle.
PS: I also recorded a couple of lines of a song and sent it to Udit. I am so bad, normally, that he was, to put it mildly, gobsmacked. “What has happened to you? Did you take some singing lessons since I left yesterday?”
In the off chance, that you click on this audio file, remember that Udit loves me. You certainly don’t. You have been warned!
Omg this was hilarious. Ispe ek documentary banni chahiye- udit ke bina pagal hojane wale is jeev ko kya kehten hain? !!! Now I think you drive down to Agra because you were lonely😂😂😂😂! We need to get you a rampant rabbit 😎
Oof! Laughed my way through this, savvy! And I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for the cat orgasm conversation.